I'm switching things up and starting with myself today. This past Christmas was a bear for me. A constant struggle to fight off panic attacks. I couldn't breath them away, or think them away or even predict when they were going to rear their ugly face. It was a little paralyzing. I didn't feel like I could plan anything without the worry that I might not have it all together at whatever preplanned event was coming next. I was scared and confused. My husband and I have worked side by side to try to unravel this new and unsettling "mental illness," at times during the holidays I worried I would have to gear up for a life time of living this way. But as soon as the holidays ended the stress and anxiety seemed to melt away. I hope that was my last bout with PTSD, and that I can fix it before it resurfaces again...
Kind of a downer first paragraph, but the bright side is - I have discovered weaknesses that were tucked way in a corner and being left alone without some needed purifying. I know I can do better and I don't think any amount of ignoring my problems will get me anywhere. Head on Will and I have come up with plans on how I can improve and how he can help me, and some added bonuses of him discovering some of the ways he can change and work better with me have been unearthed. I'm hoping the best is yet to come, thanks to this grand awakening of who I really am and who I really want to be. Wish me luck!
Moving onto Ben. Tonight I did a really stupid thing. A less than considerate missionary was over wrestling with him and begging him to give him a pokemon ball from his Christmas collection. When I allowed the missionary to walk off with Ben's coveted toy - my heart broke. How could I do this to my little boy. Its my job to put him first and I messed up. Sometimes I put the world before I put my Ben. Benjamin handled the situation with grace. He did not complain- he said "mom maybe we can let the missionary have it til his mission is done and then the missionary can give it back before he goes home." (Will came up with a better solution and decided to go get the ball back tomorrow). I can't tell you how many times I have been so impressed with my child. As many times as I am frustrated with his "hard to control energy" there have been twice as many times he has show wisdom beyond his years. He has shown and continues to show great emeralds of knowledge and understanding that I am just sure will really bless a lot of peoples lives as he continues to nourish this ability he has.
James is so lovable. So loving. So thoughtful. The other week we were driving in the car and I was silent. He perked up and said "mom how are you feeling?" I proceeded to tell him some of my happys and sads from the day and he continued with some follow up questions. This kid is everyones best friend- starting with me ;)
Madison is talking. She, like Ben, doesn't always have a lot to say - but when she does talk it is articulate and spot on topic (just like her dad). I was thinking I could have a fragile princess on my hands when I was told I was having a girl, but Madison is turning out to be able to hold her own against her older brothers and generally hops onto any dog pile they might be starting. She dukes it out with them and loves them deeply and on their level. The boys respect her and generally the stink gets whatever she wants from either them...
Will continues to be my dream come true. He is so gentle and kind and loving towards me. He works hard and is so dedicated to me and the kids. I couldn't ask for a better husband if I would have dreamed him up myself. We're hoping this next year he will move into medical coding as a job and finish his medical information management certificate - here's to 2017!
I best be off to bed. I'll leave you with James' impromptu rapper dance and bid you good night.
Love,
Summer
