A book

If I were going to write a book about my experiences, or about Will's recovery-- what angle would I take?  That you never know how hard something is until you go through it yourself? That we take for granted our health/prosperity-- until the lack of these is staring you in the face day after day for years?

Will interviewed at a PA school a couple of weeks ago. I'm worried we'll get yet another rejection letter instead of the later. This worry is compounded with, we've moved out of my parent's basement and are attempting to short sale my condo.  I don't have any idea what our future holds.  I dream of the day it holds a three to four bedroom home in a good neighborhood -- where my hubby goes to work everyday and I stay home raising our children. The battle for me right now is to keep fear from eating me up. So I think in the book there will be a chapter about the reality of fear, loss and rejection.... but it won't be the theme.

The theme would be about stepping up to the plate an being kind to others--- about never taking your loved ones for granted. It would be about faith in the place of fear--and this lesson would be inspired by my husband who is the front man in this whole experience.  The one who had the stroke, and who never gives up.

Month 13

It’s almost month 13 of Ben’s life. Currently he is standing and walking around furniture—with the help of those structures of course. He has this new habit of screaming very loudly every time he wants something… This can be very annoying when I’m in an enclosed space (like a car) because his voice echos off the walls and back into my eardrums at a higher velocity than it was sent out.  I really do worry about permanent hearing loss as a result of his outbursts.  I have to say though despite injury to my person it is so cute to watch his feet point his fists tighten and his face go red every time he screams.  It reminds me of myself in fact, except for instead of screaming - I cried, and after I lost all the air I could muster my body gave in and I fainted into a pile on the floor, where I promptly and inconveniently wet my pants….  So lets hope he doesn’t get too much of his moms determination. 

Besides his cute and not so cute tantrums I still have a very affectionate baby. One who loves hugs and kisses and is open and giving to anyone who would accept his love.  His scoot is still as silly as ever, yesterday one of my friends compared it to that of a monkey, swinging his little body forward with one arm.  I imagine his left arm is considerably stronger than his right, due to this continuous movement.  He loves to take off and put things on. His socks, a hat, a banana…. Yep he loves putting his food in his hair once he is done with putting it in his mouth.  You’d be amazed at how great food works as a substitute for hair gel ;) Well as far as his eye color, it is definetly green with a hint of brown! I love it!  And while he still predominately looks like a Clarke, his eyes and calcic in his hair are definitely Blackhurst.  Well my little napper (see below) is starting to show signs of awaking, so until next time—keep your hands and feet inside at all times—it’ s going to be a bumpy ride.

Sometimes

Every once in awhile I want to write about something that causes me to pause and wait.  Not sure what to think, not sure when to make a decision. I look around my tiny cluttered apartment… safe from grown up responsibility (only not really).  I can use mom's bread when I am out and turn up the heat without worrying it will cause greater expense. But down in my apartment I know we’re really carving out what will someday be our future.  This interim time - won’t last forever, despite how Will sometimes feels about never moving on and having roadblocks at every corner. At some point we will need to move. Move out of Layton, and now possibly out of state. So far we have heard back from two colleges, one offered an interview and the other did not. It was U of U that did not offer an interview, and a school in Ohio that did.  

I don’t fly by the seat of my pants well… but I have been forced to do so since marrying Will. Our marriage led to strong feelings to start a family, which in return led to quitting my job and putting all my faith in Will’s recovery.  I know that the decisions we have made so far are in accordance with the Lord’s will. And mostly it is the peace I feel – living with these decisions - that move me forward… Praying that somehow the way will be provided for Will to get back into school and or a job.  In the meantime, looking at Ben and wanting the best future I can possibly provide for him. I would scale any mountain to give him that. I know Will would too. For now, however, instead of scaling we are watching and waiting- hoping that we will get our chance. 

Ten things I love about Ben

OK I decided it was high time I wrote a real birthday post about my little Benny. I'm done sulking ;)

Starting from number 10:

10- I love his morning squeals and baby noises-- his voice is much more pleasant to wake up to than the sound of a blaring alarm
9- I love the way he knocks over the dirty diaper pail and plays with the materials therein -- until he looks around to see he has been caught at which time he screams and hands the discarded diaper my way
8- I love the way he is unafraid to scale the stairs and slide down them
7- I love that he will sit on anyone's lap--- stranger danger has never been in his vocabulary
6- I love when he is done eating he takes the rest of his dinner and disposes it on the floor one piece at a time
5- I love that he loves babies
4- I love his silly little scoot
3- I love that when I ask him to give me a hug or a kiss he actually does it
2- I love his smile- with a dimple (I never expected a baby of mine would have one of these)
1- I love the way he loves- it's so pure and sweet

Summer

ps Will said he loves the way Ben doesn't wake him up in the middle of the night (the rascal ;)

pps how come no one told me I spelled weird wrong in the title of my last post?

Is it wierd...

...that I am sad? Ben is one years old today and thinking of my baby over the past few days I've had a heavy heart. There is nothing quite like bringing a new baby into the world and than, in what seems just a few days, watching him tower over other babies and mimic toddlers... I miss my baby. I know I should be writing about Ben today and how cute he has been with his birthday cakes and parties. But I am feeling too much like a mother right now... a lost one. I don't know if I'm ready to move on. I thought that I would love having the freedom that came from weaning Ben... instead I just miss that time we had together (O and WOW it hurts).  I know anyone with multiple children reading this post must think me a ninnie... But I think I'll be a ninnie for just a few more days and than move onward and upward (as if I had a choice in stopping the aging process). Really though, Ben's birthday was perfect. He was soo cute with everything!!! Below are the pics from Ben's Elephant party...

 Ben's Birthday Party with his Cousins

 Ben is doing great job lately at scaring me to death on his first efforts sliding down the stairs

 The answer to your burning questions:  Yes the cake did take a while to make and no the head is not made out of a cake mix...

Ben's gift from our friend Katie and Lucy and Ella

ps Ben's four top teeth joined his two bottom teeth this past week.

Motherhood

You know that post I wrote right after Ben was born about entering a world I never knew-- a world where every cry was a call to action. It's been close to a year now since that world began.  My world is no longer my own. Even if I wanted it to be, it is not possible-- I'm not complaining-- I'm just saying things are different when your a mom (I know earth shattering).  Well since we have verified the existence of an alternate universe (pre-mom, post-mom)  I want to bring you into my world for a moment-- so you can catch a glimpse of the journey I am on. My every step now a days is strategically placed to avoid a toy or cup that Ben has put on the ground in my path. I find the cutest things in the weirdest places-- my iPhone cord on the kitchen floor, the book "Are you my mother" at the foot of my bed, Ben's dinner below his high chair (OK I know that is not a weird place for it, but still how goofy), his favorite car under my bed, and so on...

Now let me introduce you to another funny developmental step that happens when a child starts sprouting teeth... for you men reading (which I assume there is none) don't blush too much. They chew on things they are not supposed to. Ben now has two bottom teeth and one and a half top teeth. As of today, I've made a decision. I am weaning my child-- it has become too painful ;)

Finally, Ben's scoot is proving to be a little nerve racking. For instead of pulling himself up and down stairs from with his belly pointing downward, he lifts his legs and than scuffles up (see movie below).  This would be all fine and dandy except by the time he has lifted himself up the step he is balancing precariously on the step edge with one leg on and one leg in the air....

To end this post I have to bring you into one last part of the experience of motherhood... When Ben smiles and wraps his tiny arms around my neck I am complete.  I love him more than I ever thought possible. I would give my life for him a hundred times over. What a blessing it is to be a mother.

Predictions

I want to try something, just for fun. I want to try to articulate some of Ben's personality traits now and than project them into the future. I want to guess what he is going to be like when he grows up.... of course we won't know for years if I am right but lets give this a go.... Lets start with some more obvious ones... Ben loves people. He is always entertained with children and does not shy or push away from hugs. I think this means that he will be easy to get along with, sociable, and be able to express deeper emotions-- allowing people close to him.

Ben does not like dogs, splash parks, laying on his stomach, and being startled. I think this means he likes predictablity. He will not be a "fly by the seat of his pants" type of kid. He will think through things before he does them and he will do the things that are within his comfort zone... not to be persuaded out of his comfort zone easily.

Ben loves to put things "together" he has a tupperware and aquafor container that he loves to put together take a part and then put back together again. I think he could spend a good hour on this task alone.  This tells me a couple of things... he is determined, has a good attention span for a baby, and he likes order. He is also very mellow. I think this could mean he will be smart and analytical and easy going. Just like his dad.

Lets end with his eye color. I can't decide what he will list on his drivers license but I'll take a guess and say blue--- what do you think?