The first couple of weeks I gave myself a lot of pep talks about how I was going to use this time to be a better person and really enjoy my kids- and I have in some ways. Spending time only with my kids and husband- there is no one I would rather be "locked down" with. But the lock down up to this point is more of a game of psychological war fare. Cleaning my hands multiple times an hour, wiping down door handles every-time I come back from the grocery store. We're fighting a deadly bug so small that we have no idea where it is so we have to assume it's everywhere around us and that we have the horrendous potential to infect the people most dear to us - but who are more susceptible to the worse this disease has to offer. It makes instant enemies of strangers. You cross a grocery store isle to avoid people and worry that people are judging you if you stop to say hi to a friend in the parking lot. In Salt Lake County you can get a $1,000 fine for violating social distancing guidelines.
As my anxiety has grown with the day to day pschyological toll I've started to employ more mental health tackle approaches like mindfulness, exercising, calling friends and positive affirmations. These seem to be helping but I'm still a little depressed. I realize this entire situation is exposing chinks in my armor. Weaknesses I had no idea were there. I feel like with the Lord standing near by I'm walking through my own personal fire (I"m sure everyone around me feels the same) but before I'm totally engulfed he reaches for me and brings me through to the next obstacle and then I head back into the fire. I pray that this time of trial refines me and prepares me for everything that is to come. Especially as it concerns to my children. I'm so afraid that they will have to do hard things and they won't be able to do those things - I really push myself and them, but too much. I want to protect them from such difficult realities as a pandemic and for our own personal trials this year as learning to cope with Autism.
As part of this diagnosis childhood anxiety has reared it's ugly head over the last few months. Maddy hasn't been sleeping lately and Ben has moments of being overwhelmed so much that he will just pace and shake a little - about the fear of an earthquake, or the pandemic or overwhelm with too much information - I'm standing beside them coaching them how to get through it but I can't take it away from them and prefer they learn the tricks to becoming resilient to some of the overwhelm that comes with feeling like the world is offering too much information (light, sound, taste, physical, etc...) all at once. Just like I need to learn to walk the tightrope to doing "well" during this difficult - so do they need to learn how to defeat their demons.
I give thanks to our Heavenly Father for not asking us to do this alone, even if I can't be with my own parents at this time. I can be with Him and I can feel Him when I kneel and pray.
I'll end with a quick update about the chillen...
Ben broke his arm on the sidewalk the other week and is sporting a neon green cast for the next few weeks. He has a fascination with nerf gun wars right now and currently is sleeping on his floor in his nerf gun fort. He just finished reading the second book of Harry Potter and when he isn't reading he loves listening to other kid fantasy books on his Alexa. He is learning to control his big emotions and we've made progress with him learning to comply without screaming (this is all with the help of a counselor). He is bright and loved so much by his brother and sister- he is there Hero and generally treats them both so well. He is a really good big brother, most the time ;) !
James has one front tooth that was quick to come in after he lost it and another that just seems to be taking up camp in his gums. His toothless grin right now is so precious. James hasn't complained about not playing with friends- I've been surprised that he is doing so well - even without friends stopping by all the time because of social distancing. He jumps on the tramp and spends a lot of time springing on our furniture too. He also will take any min Ben will give him - Ben likes to hole up in his room a lot, but when he comes out the kids just light up. James is also happy to do his school work everyday- he is the only one who doesn't fight me on it which is such a blessing to me - (I know its being in charge of my kids education that has my mental health on edge.)
Maddy has reverted a little with potty accidents and not being able to sleep- which has been a great source of angst for me as well- but when I take a look closer and let her develop at her own rate - I'm just in love. She is so darling. She says the cutest things. Like when I explained to her she has to go to the bathroom everyday because she drinks everyday - she spent the next three days telling me she wasn't thirsty but then snuck drinks when I wasn't looking :) She also makes a game out of washing her hands during this pandemic. She refuses to wash them without Will or I standing over her singing the abc's with her so she gets them washed thoroughly. Recently she convinced me she would sleep if I bought her a lava lamp so once it arrived she promptly found out she couldn't sleep with it on. She is very determined and has the most difficult time of all my children with change or upset to her schedule. I'm hoping to direct her in ways to promote flexibility but mostly I hope people around her will see around some of these flaws - because when they do they will fall in love too.
Well This is a long entry so I will just end with- my concussion still give me grief and at this stage in the game I'm worried it will for a lifetime - Yikes! And Will is working hard for our family and is truly invested in me and the children - we couldn't be more lucky to have him.
Keep reading and keep praying-
Love,
Summer
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