Life Continues

So much to say so little time... But I should say more, because it's been so many months since my recent musings of my Blackhurst clan.... I'm assuming my absence has to do with more time spent working. I've done that a bunch more in the last few months... I have been working with a youtuber, making music videos for causes and have had a bunch of fun learning about marketing videos and etc... and teaming with non profits. I've also recently started doing some medical writing for IHC, and still do some parenting blogging for Go Au Pair. I'm not sure how I'll keep doing it all though with Will going back to school for the next six months-- I can't wait to read my next journal entry to see if I survive... AKA working and being a good mom. And anytime Will is schooling. I'm missing him like crazy and get stir crazy with the kiddies - so heres hoping I make it.

Ben is growing right before my eyes. He reads better all the time, he is making more friends and hanging out more with kids in the neighborhood. We're embarking on that whole new world of parenting to find the balance of friends and family and good outside influences and avoiding bad outside influences- sometimes the lines aren't always clear so this is all unnerving.  Ben loves his dog Skips and would really love a puppy. Ben also loves Pokemon and picking on his little brother.

James is a hoot. The family comedian to say the least. The kid is always teasing and laughing. He's my smiley guy. Today James primary teacher and I agreed on one thing about him- he does not like to wear shoes. Wherever he goes the first thing he does is take them off. It makes me CRAZY! James is really easy to get along with - he generally hangs out with any kid that will give him attention and I think most kids are happy to jump on his bandwagon. He has a very soft heart. You raise your voice at him and the tears fall like rain. James starts his second year of preschool in the fall. His first year he was one of 12 boys so that was a pretty crazy class. I think he loved it though. I'm hoping for more girls this next year ;)

Madison - you know how you see the best and worst in yourself - in your kids? Well she is determined. She knows what she wants and doesn't stop until she gets it. The flip side is her tantrums are crazy dramatic and she lets you know when she isn't happy with you (sounding familiar yet ;)  It's Will- just kidding that ones me :) Maddy's burn wounds have healed more as has my heart. I feel more confident all the time that she will see her scars as a way to connect with others in similar situations and build people who feel inadequate. Instead of letting them define her for bad. I hope she knows how beautiful she is and how beautiful all of our scars are both visible and hidden. They are a testament to resilience and overcoming trials. I love this little girl with all my heart. I wish I could give her a sister- but for now I will just pray that she finds "sisters" throughout her life in the gospel and community.  She is a wonderful wonderful girl.

As for Will and I you got my sob story at the top so I'll end with Will. He continues to be my rock. The man I love and admire more everyday. He is in a new job- at the U- doing medical coding. He says it's more interesting than the last job. I hope hope hope we can someday find him some job that will be just as satisfying for him as being a doctor was... I'm grateful for how far he has come. I am so proud of the man he is and how much his "scars" have taught him.

I better leave you now- to hit the hay. Fight the good fight!

Wish us luck. We love you!

Summer

East coast and back

How fast can I spin out one of these journal entries for my kiddies and Will and I--- lets see...

Benjamin - He has labeled himself the quiet kid at school and after some follow up questions with his teacher she would say that is a pretty accurate description. I know what your thinking- is this my kid!!!!! How is that genetically possible! I've spent plenty of time this year fussing and worrying that he won't have any friends as a result, but every time this kid does open his mouth he is articulate and interesting and kind. I think he will do fine in school - he just needs to warm up to people a little before he really gets talking. He was the one who enthralled all of the people who had him while we were on vacation in the east this past week. He kept all of the aunts and uncles up on his routines and entertained with his intellectual discussions. O and here he is without his two front teeth...which the tooth fairy was about two days late delivering the cash goods and Ben asked us incessantly to text the fairy and remind her.

James - he is hardly a baby at all anymore. He and Ben are starting to play really well together now that they can both talk and say what they need and want. I wish I could say that meant that Ben no longer picks on him but alas scratches on his face that were placed there just this morning would indicate that we are still not over that hurdle. James is a go-with-the-flow type of guy. He is talkative and can pretend play with boys and girls alike. He is a half a year away from being 5 years old but is already fitting into 5t clothes. I'm sorta sad this kid won't start kindergarten this year because he misses the deadline by 7 days. I feel like he is ready to go, but hopefully we can still make it a great year for him. He will be going to preschool three days a week instead of two days a week this next year.

Maddy is starting in on repeating things over and over. Tonight she wanted us to know that she was human. Over and over she said to us "Madison is people" I am people" I am people" I am people." I'm in a kind of watch and see position with her- she isn't a talker but I don't know if that is a speech delay or a Madison thing... we shall see.  So this baby girl of mine is driving me up a wall lately. The tantrums are getting worse headed into the threes instead of better. She also doesn't want to potty train but also doesn't want to be in dirty diapers. So every time she has a wet or poopy diaper- she takes it off and walks around half nude until someone discovers her indiscretions. By the time we get to the discarded poopy diapers there is quite the mess to clean up on walls and around the house - YUCK!

As for me I am buckling down as of late. I"m on a crusade to rid myself of anxiety- unfortunately from all my studies and conversations with other people dealing with this- this little guy doesn't go quietly into the night! In general I can manage and track it now- where before I could not. The real challenge though is to be patient when it is happening.

As for Will and I we just got home from a week long vacation to the East to visit my brother Peter and his family and Will's brother Jon and my friend Janine. It was the perfect mental health vacation for me - I was so grateful for the time off from being a mom to figure out who I really am and especially who the new me with anxiety is. Will I think had a great time too.

Well, try as I did- I was unable to keep it short. Maybe if I could get on and journal more often I wouldn't have so much catching up to do.

I want to leave you with something profound and well thought out but I think this is my time to just be. I have to skip out really on any "public victories" that I might want and hope. For now I'm shooting for "private victories" cause I desperately need them right now....

Until next time wish me luck!

Love,

Summer

My parents took us kids out to eat to the mandarin after 

we put granite all through their house. Fun times!

A New Year

Gotta keep up these kids journal and gotta keep moving on.

I'm switching things up and starting with myself today. This past Christmas was a bear for me. A constant struggle to fight off panic attacks. I couldn't breath them away, or think them away or even predict when they were going to rear their ugly face. It was a little paralyzing. I didn't feel like I could plan anything without the worry that I might not have it all together at whatever preplanned event was coming next. I was scared and confused. My husband and I have worked side by side to try to unravel this new and unsettling "mental illness," at times during the holidays I worried I would have to gear up for a life time of living this way. But as soon as the holidays ended the stress and anxiety seemed to melt away. I hope that was my last bout with PTSD, and that I can fix it before it resurfaces again...

Kind of a downer first paragraph, but the bright side is - I have discovered weaknesses that were tucked way in a corner and being left alone without some needed purifying. I know I can do better and I  don't think any amount of ignoring my problems will get me anywhere. Head on Will and I have come up with plans on how I can improve and how he can help me, and some added bonuses of him discovering some of the ways he can change and work better with me have been unearthed. I'm hoping the best is yet to come, thanks to this grand awakening of who I really am and who I really want to be. Wish me luck!

Moving onto Ben. Tonight I did a really stupid thing. A less than considerate missionary was over wrestling with him and begging him to give him a pokemon ball from his Christmas collection. When I allowed the missionary to walk off with Ben's coveted toy - my heart broke. How could I do this to my little boy. Its my job to put him first and I messed up. Sometimes I put the world before I put my Ben. Benjamin handled the situation with grace. He did not complain- he said "mom maybe we can let the missionary have it til his mission is done and then the missionary can give it back before he goes home." (Will came up with a better solution and decided to go get the ball back tomorrow). I can't tell you how many times I have been so impressed with my child. As many times as I am frustrated with his "hard to control energy" there have been twice as many times he has show wisdom beyond his years. He has shown and continues to show great emeralds of knowledge and understanding that I am just sure will really bless a lot of peoples lives as he continues to nourish this ability he has.

James is so lovable. So loving. So thoughtful. The other week we were driving in the car and I was silent. He perked up and said "mom how are you feeling?" I proceeded to tell him some of my happys and sads from the day and he continued with some follow up questions. This kid is everyones best friend- starting with me ;)

Madison is talking. She, like Ben, doesn't always have a lot to say - but when she does talk it is articulate and spot on topic (just like her dad). I was thinking I could have a fragile princess on my hands when I was told I was having a girl, but Madison is turning out to be able to hold her own against her older brothers and generally hops onto any dog pile they might be starting. She dukes it out with them and loves them deeply and on their level. The boys respect her and generally the stink gets whatever she wants from either them...

Will continues to be my dream come true. He is so gentle and kind and loving towards me. He works hard and is so dedicated to me and the kids. I couldn't ask for a better husband if I would have dreamed him up myself. We're hoping this next year he will move into medical coding as a job and finish his medical information management certificate - here's to 2017!

I best be off to bed. I'll leave you with James' impromptu rapper dance and bid you good night.

Love,

Summer

Moving on

I think my heart is finally waking up from the horrible nightmare that Madison had to go through. I don't know that I will ever really be OK with what happened. I'm hoping it doesn't just cripple me in general. If being a mom was hard before this happened it's even harder now. Thinking about how close we came to some really bad things happening. I admit to feeling sad every time I see the red spot on her face where she was burned and hating it. Hating that I was responsible for that happening... I don't ever want something like this to happen to my little family again. But I know I can't avoid every heart break. So here I am picking my self back off the ground and moving forward - wish me luck ;)

I'm writing of course because I know the show must go on. Everyday is a gift and this blog is my own "gift" to my kids. Recording their life experiences, I hope will help them understand themselves better the older they get.

Lets start with Benjamin. I'm amazed at how smart he is. I mean he's brilliant.  He has really high critical thinking skills. I can't wait to see what he will be when he grows up! HE is also my most energetic kid. He never stops moving! I'm not always sure how to harness his energy, maybe if I just redirect it...  In other news he is actually doing really well in kindergarten - great academically and he is even picking up a few friends along the way. He still stays to himself a lot of the time-- but he does take more opportunity to talk to kids than he did at the first of the school year.

James is everybody's best friend. He really does get along with everyone! He has a preschool class of 11 boys and every time I see him in that class he is talking or playing with another kid. He knows most of them by name.  He also says the sweetest things. "Mom you are so beautiful, "Mom I love you"-- all without promoting. Melt my heart! James got Paw Patrol shoes for his birthday and now he wants everything Paw Patrol for Christmas. He even makes up songs about Paw Patrol. Speaking of singing - he is always singing or talking. Before James started talking my car rides were pretty quiet. Ben and Will just sit back and think and think - but rarely verbalize. Everything James thinks comes out of his mouth (sound familiar ;) So between him and our budding chatting girl- our car and home are chuck full of noise all the time now!

Madison is doing well. She is talking more everyday. She repeats pretty much everything and anything her brothers say or do-- including the pretend burping at dinner time - those little stinkers! I keep waiting for her real "girlie" side to kick in, and it's there but not near as prominent as I thought it might be by now- _I think she may become a tomboy just like me :) She adores her brothers! Especially Ben! She is lost without them and its really fun to see how much they mean to her. Madison has given me a run for my money the last few months - she is very determined and doesn't give in easily. She wants to walk down the stairs on her own and if you carry her down instead- expect her to run back up the stairs and go back down on her own. She doesn't like to be told what to do and is insistent on doing things her ways. I am trying not to spoil her because she is my youngest and that is hard to do. Sometimes I think that is why my little surprise baby cakes was born so close to James-- so I would still have to give all the kiddies equal attention. She is a good kid And I love her so much. She did develop a little "after the burn anxiety." She has been really clingy to mom since the accident. It's been really hard for me to cut those apron strings because I don't want anything to happen to her. But I know it's best to let her learn to stand on her own two feet again...

As for Will and I -- I found myself getting grumpier and grumpier with him and my little family after the accident. I felt bad for my behavior and have since repented of these moody ways and was surprised when I found out the best cure for the blues was going on dates with William. What a wonderful man I married. He is healing in so many ways. I love him more everyday. My partner and the man who puts up with me- even when I am a total brat!

Well I'm sure this was a way too long post, but I had a lot of catching up to do. Keep with us on our journey...

Love,

Summer

ps the rest of the pictures were of our the rest of our summer and fall after the burn....

Week 2- A lot of good news

Yesterday's appointment went much better than the other two burn clinic appointments...Less pain, screaming and a overall feeling of hope. The nurse, PA and physical therapist all said- no need for any skin grafts. In fact on her belly we should be done wrapping her within the week. All the skin underneath had resurfaced and was healing nicely.

Wounds after one week

Wounds after two weeks and four days

The arm is a little bit different story. The skin underneath has not regenerated in a spot so the skin on the sides of the scar is going to be working double time.. basically grow sideways to cover the wound. Generally skin grafts do the work of the sideways growing skin but in the case of her arm the spot needing a graft is too small. We will probably be wrapping her arm for at least another 10 days.

I wish I could give you all the lessons on skin that I have learned in the past few weeks - but basically our skin is  a miracle. It is responsible for protecting us from infection and pain and cosmetics. Children and adults with severe burns deal with a double whammy, compared to other ailments. Excessive pain and a huge hit to the confidence. In the burn camps victims are taught to walk with their heads held high and look people in the eyes and etc... to learn from other burn survivors and to learn to love their new look and their new selves - that is of course on top of years of itching, pain and at times new skin grafts because the burns are located on a joint...

I guess I'm telling you all this for a few reasons. Madison's burns could have been much worse. The ones that healed in less than two weeks were on her face, elbow and hand. I was told if a burn heals in that time period there are rarely long term effects. If the situation had been switched and the more severe burns had been on the hand, face or elbow there would have been life long complications in any of those scenarios...  Instead the severe burns are in out of reach places not on joints and not visible to the rest of the world.

As a mother I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter is going to be OK. I know that angels were there with us in those first few moments to protect her and bless her. She has also now become my everyday testament to how wonderful it is to be a mother. To have precious children and to care for them and minister to their needs - it is truly the most holy of callings. I'm sorry I've taken this for granted at times. Madison is one of my greatest blessings here on this earth - I hope I can always remember how lucky I am to have her.

Finally as far as the future is concerned. The pigmentation and small scars on her face and arm will slowly return to normal if I continue to apply lotion and SPF 50 everyday for the next year. The one on her belly should be fine with lotion and the one on the arm is a wait and see scenario... Somewhere between the next 3-6 months it will either scar up really high/cosmetically look bad/itchy or stay flat and relatively unnoticeable and without itch.

Thank you for your prayers and your love. I have never felt so watched over as I have the last few weeks with so many coming out of the wood works to help us out. We love you and we hope you'll be in our lives for a very long time.

Love,

Summer (and Will)

Maddy week one

This picture says it all. Maddy is handling this whole situation like a champ! I on the other hand am falling apart. Somewhere around Saturday morning my horror switched to panic attacks. I don't think I even cried until I knelt down to ask Heavenly Father why this is happening to me? and why such a difficult reality had to be Maddy's new normal for awhile? My sweet innocent child - I just keep thinking how is this even possible? This type of thinking only increased my panic and I literally felt terrified to be alone with Maddy or my kiddies without Will or someone else.

Once my sister helped me to figure out that telling myself "I couldn't do it" was actually making it so "I couldn't do it," I decided to stop thinking "I can't" and started believing "I can." Thinking this really helps me to feel a lot more peace through this...When I asked burn unit nurses about how other mothers handle these situations, I quickly found I am not alone and that I actually seemed more put together than most - which I'm definitely not put together. My heart aches to think of these women, to see I am not the only one who's entire soul is wrapped up in their child's every triumph and every tragedy.

I can't say I've learned even a quarter of what the Lord has prepared for Will and I at this time. But I catch glimpses of things even greater than I have ever yet imagined. Glimpses of suffering that must happen after terrible accidents, and lose of love ones or so on. Somewhere in my vision I can see that we are not here on earth to be selfish or think only of ourselves. We are here to give. But not only give some - to give our all, to sacrifice even our lives if necessary - for love and for others.

Now I know if you have made it this far you I am sure you want me to cut to the chase. Of course if I would have got right to the point you might not have read the first few paragraphs (see what I did there ;).  Madison is doing well.

Here is what I have learned about skin in the past five days. First degree burns take a week or two to heal, 2nd degree two to four weeks to heal and 3rd degree just don't really heal. Except more often in Babies 3rd degree burns can miraculously regenerate skin. And sometimes in other people. Once the skin is burned down that deep there is no more feeling, nerves, plasticy, or real germ protection. The skin cells try to build from the sides of the wounds and do a horrible job and clump up all over the place and generally still cause long time pain.

So with the third degree burns the doctor waits three weeks then makes his final decision on whether or not to cut skin off the back of the leg or buttox and put it onto the wound. Once this decision is made patients are given a day or two to prepare then sent into surgery - and possibly an overnight stay at the hospital. Then another month at least of pain and bandages would follow.

So today's visit to the burn unit at the U - it would have been nice to have been warned that the "hard" part of all is is not just in those first moments after falling into a fire. I watched as my baby was pinned down and her wounds were scrubbed and her skin was torn off. She was in a lot of pain. I tried to close my eyes and remember to breath, but her eyes stayed fixated on me so I tried not to let her see how much her pain became my own pain.

Then came the prognosis - the facial burns and burns on her fingers and elbow will heal and probably not scar too much. The ones on her belly and her under arm are still too deep in dead skin to know so those answers will literally begin to surface in the next week or two.  In the meantime the PA told us to start dressing the wounds twice a day instead of once - now two times a day instead of just the one time I will need to be very brave :(
 
We love you all. We have been recipients to such thoughtful acts of service and sacrifice. We are indebted to so many of you and hope you know how much we appreciate you!

So if you're one of so many praying for Maddy- pray for pink skin! And pray that her mom will understand that pain makes her and us stronger, not weaker.

Keep with us and hopefully I'll be less wordy in the next post!

Sincerely,

Summer

Madison's Burns

Last night our baby fell into a fire. Let me start with our gratitude that the burns were less significant than they could have been and that she rolled off the fire quickly. Unfortunately there were still burns. We were up Farmington Canyon camping with my family at the time. My brother in law saw her fall, my sisters cry for help to me was terrifying. I knew something bad had happened listening to her shout. I was close enough to grab Madison right after landing on the ground.

Madisons cries indicated that this would need an ER visit so I doused her with water (I was panicked and so probably too much dousing). Then Will jumped in the drivers seat and I next to her in the car seat and we headed down the mountain. With no reception it gave us time to decide what to do next- we realized there were too many unknowns about the burns and we didn't know which hospital to go to. I called 911 and the operator had an ambulance meet us at the mouth of Farmington Canyon and then the crazy started. Lots of fire engines, and EMTs (I had no idea how many people you could fit into the back of an ambulance).

Because of the burns on her face - so close to her mouth they called life flight to ensure there would be no breathing issues. During the time we waited for life flight the emts tried unsuccessfully four times to get an IV in her. After that they just gave up. At first they told me I couldn't ride with her in the helicopter than luckily the life flight nurse decided differently.

The life flight trip was short. The only vivid memory I have of the flight was seeing the Bountiful Temple- very much a symbol of hope for me in these moments. Madison cried on and off through it all- still no pain medication, even by the time we got to the U of U hospital, the hospital choosen for the job because of their burn unit.

She sat on my lap while nurses again failed miserably at getting an IV in her. Finally they gave her pain medication by mouth. I have to say I'm surprised I could be on a life flight and etc... and we never once saw a doctor(the entire night). They sent a burn unit nurse down to asses and she decided she would not need to be admitted to the burn unit! My heart soared as she told us the wounds were manageable and she believed the burns on Madison's face would not leave a scar.

Our little baby does have a few third degree burns, which will be assessed on Monday and then again in a week to see if we will need to do any skin grafts (which would include an overnight stay in the hospital). The other burns were first and second degree.
 

Will and I have the task of dressing her wounds everyday at home- and right now we are praying that we will have the wisdom to know how best to do this well enough that she does not get any infection.

We love our baby with everything we are. I can't begin to tell you how blessed we feel that she did not have to be admitted to the hospital and the burns were not more severe. She was given a blessing by her uncle Ike and by William in the ER. I'm grateful for Ike and Amber- they rode with Will up to the hospital and were there for us when we needed that support. Of course I'm grateful for my family for keeping our boys overnight and for helping out in those first few moments. Gratitude goes out to the nurses and emergency responders. I'm grateful for modern medicine. Where would we be without these medicines and medical personal!

Right now we don't know the cost of this all... but are grateful Will has great insurance and that because he works at the U and the life flight was from the U and we were treated at the U hospital we hope these factors will play in our favor.

We appreciate your prays on behalf of our little angel and glad we got to sleep in our own beds last night!

Love you all,

Summer Blackhurst